What would be the best first post for this section ?
This is the question I’ve asked myself for several days. It wasn’t a writer’s block since I have several ideas I’d like to share with you listed on my notebook . But my main issue was none of these ideas looked like a great “first post”.
And the calendar coincidence reminds me today is a special day. It is the first anniversary of the 1st day of my new life. Just a year ago, I quit my job, my old life and I began the journey that led me to you, on this blog.
However, I wasn’t sure about writing all these feelings to you, the result of the rearview exercise, so important to measure the progress made on this journey. Anyway, I’ve come to realize writing about the importance to accept your life with kindness could be a good topic. And I remembered the promise made starting this blog. I made the promise to “share my stories, inspirations, success and difficulties in a candid and open manner, without hiding anything from my imperfections or vulnerabilities.”
So, what could be more honest with you than to share this first assessment ?
To say goodbye is always to die a little
Just a year ago, I quit my job. It was a good job, well paid, for which I studied many years and where I had ticked all the goals I had concerning evolution or career perspectives.
For more than a decade, I worked for the same big multinational company. I occupied several positions, had some amazing experiences and some terribles ones. It was my first company, where I’ve learned everything, improved and changed. While I was working there, I got married, and got pregnant with my kids. In the end, it was a good part of a lifetime.
Despite all of that and thanks to a redeployment plan, I left. Even if the opportunity and the timing were perfect, it was quite a leap for me, since I am a very prudent and comfy person…
But it was high time. I didn’t recognize myself in this life, in this company, in these values I didn’t agree with anymore. So much changes in 13 years ! Going through the week expecting the weekend or “when, one day, I’ll have some time” wasn’t for me anymore.
Eventually, I had to take care of Little H, even if at the time it wasn’t a dire situation. My husband was pushing me every day to turn the page, to take care of myself, to be at last in harmony with myself and to stop being miserable going to work every morning.
A past year so full of sunny and rainy days ...
So much rainy days this year !
In fact, I’ve never felt so lost than this past few months. I’ve questioned every aspect of my life.
Moreover, I failed at so many things, especially my IVF and my dream for a 3rd baby. I’ve lost some friends and family members. There are so many dreams I had to give up, too …
For many weeks, I cried a lot. I was inconsolable and felt very guilty when I understood that my little boy was disabled and our life would never be “normal” anymore and will now belong in hospitals.
And I cried a lot when the doctors told me I wouldn’t be able to work as I used to. I felt useless, helpless and I didn’t know what to do or how to plan of a future for myself !
But bouncing back and accepting your life with kindness is wonderful.
So many aspects of my life have changed !
I’ve challenged myself emotionally, professionally, personally. It was the perfect opportunity to build on my talent, identify my weaknesses, accept feedbacks and external eyes. That’s why I trained myself, I read plenty, listened to podcasts and tried new things, with more or less success.
This is how I was able to identify who my rocks and the people I could count on where. There were many disappointements and some amazing surprises. Of course, one evidence needs to be mentioned : the unconditional support of my husband in my choices, questioning and challenges. Without that shoulder to lean on, to cry on or to rest I have no idea how I could have coped. A true team work with the perfect partner.
I’ve met so many new inspiring people through this journey ! I have connected and made new friends all over the world. I’m so grateful to them for opening my eyes to a brand new world !
Spreading kindness to brighten my life
Step by step, I shape my life with more kindness, questioning what I thought I knew for sure. This fresh eye and this questioning are mandatory to appreciate the power of now and live with mindfulness. I’m learning day after day to accept my life with kindness.
What now ?
Now, I’m getting a degree while building my small business.
I’m learning to set healthy boundaries with Wholism. This is the best way I’ve found to be really kind with myself.
Now, I really need to learn how to be kind with myself
I don’t sleep enough since I work my classes at night and I write at night as well. Despite all my principles for a healthy life, I don’t exercise as much as I should. I haven’t lost the weight I gained with my pregnancies and all the hormonal treatments. Getting dressed is an ordeal and I still can’t watch myself in the mirror.
Although I strongly believe that to be kind with yourself you need some me-time, I can’t succeed to take some to paint or see my friends. I’m still 2 to 3 days a week at the hospital and I cry as soon as a dark cloud appears in my sky.
In a nutshell, I’m exhausted.
I'm exhausted but I am alive
And I’m fully alive, for the first time since a long time ago.
For now, I am learning, caring, loving, doing my best in everything I do and for the ones I care. Besides, I am trying to be the best version of myself in what I do and what I experience. I try to be in the Now.
It is meaningful. It has a purpose. Because I know what are my values and my life’s mission takes shape day after day.
I’m so grateful for this past year and the year ahead.
Is it my dream life ?
Of course not, because no one would like to see their kids unhealthy.
But for now, this is as close as I can reach.
Yes, there were many rainy and sunny days this past year. And there will be plenty in the future.
But guess what ? I love rainbows !
As the Irish wit says : « No rain, no rainbow ! »