Little me, 1 year old © ING
I didn’t have an unhappy childhood …
but I was confronted with my parents’ issues and what we now call the “ordinary physical and mental violence” of a very strict Catholic education.
I realized all of that when I gave birth to my first son, as I went to therapy because of some moral harassment I was subjected to at work. This is how I’ve come to realize how difficult it was for me to be a mother. I was reliving my own childhood through my son’s.
What I’ve learned there, is that you can’t be a good parent, or a good partner, if you don’t make peace with your past
I don’t want to blame my parents. They dealt with parenting with their own story and what they received from their own family.
Since the perfect education doesn’t exist, I can’t reproach them for not being perfect. Over the last 6 years, I’ve stepped back on my childhood and I’ve put very careful boundaries in my life for them not to trespass and not to hurt me anymore.
Now, I am a grown-up and I have to take full responsibility of my life.
I can’t be defined by my past.
I refuse to be a victim of my past. Now, I am fully aware of what a responsible and caring parenting is. I’m also out of my family scheme.
If I’m not able to forgive my past, or at least to live with it as a fact, I’m going to keep in my mind the illusion of a perfection that doesn’t exist. I refuse now to go on to abuse myself because of what my past taught me.
Time to make peace with my past.
If I decide now that I can be a better parent, I have all the will and the keys to do it. It won’t be easy and it will require a lot of time and work.
There are plenty of wonderful communities to help, some books to read, some coaches to train. I’ve found support in my loved ones, my therapist or some support groups. Some communities like Your Zen Life, Your Zen Mama and Lovewell and some amazing coaches like Wholism and A la Croisée des Chemins are part of my solution.
Life is a kind of School
Therefore, we have to train ourselves to get better.
Like at school, we can count on some mentors, some friends or our partner to kindly support us and help us train every day.
By taking care of myself, I know I’m going to help my kids.
By training myself to build a better present for me, I’ll avoid passing my injuries on to them. That’s how I will contribute to build them a better future.
Once, I’ve read that :
« We are our Children’s memories».
It’s up to us to create happy ones !