Am I happy to have a third boy ? Am I not too disappointed not to have a girl ?
These are the questions everyone asks me and I’m not really sure of my answer.
What is sure is I will never have a girl (having a 4th kid is out of our family vision and having a baby past 40 is not ideal for me). So this is really goodbye to my baby girl expectation.
A small part of me regrets I will never know another kind of maternity and relationship. I tried to imagine what it would look like to play games I loved to play as a girl or to invest myself in hairstyles. Later, I’m sure it would have been wonderful to share some common passion and women talks. But that’s all.
Having a girl would have been such a challenge. Becoming a mother has been such a choc, as I relived and rediscovered my entire childhood. Facing my own fears and difficulties with female representations would have been another kind of choc. Facing my complexes, my own contradictions to support a growing woman as I still can’t accept myself would have been for sure a great learning but so hard. I have so many bad examples of mother-daughter bonds, my psychiatrist joked about the situation saying we would have to see each other more often if I would have a daughter…
Eventually, having a third boy suits me. I know he’s going to be different from his brothers, that I would need to get to know him and his peculiarities but visualizing another boy is kind of comforting. Everything is so complex in my life right now, I find it very soothing not to have to wonder about anything else, not even logistics issues.
Mr A was really happy to have another little brother. He said he was worried a little sister would annoy herself amongst so many boys (which I don’t believe at all). I believe he sees this baby as an opportunity to have the playmate he couldn’t find in Little H.
My husband hoped for a little girl “to change for a third baby” but his pragmatism finally won. At least we are ready !
Ready ? Really ? Now we have to find a name for this little boy and it was so difficult for Little H, I’m sure it will be another challenge !